dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
