She's JV to your varsity
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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