it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
