So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
me + whiskey = a bad person
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
