remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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