I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
