I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
