so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
