the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
