The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize