my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
