Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
