I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
