so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
