i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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