Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize