Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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