Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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