can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize