there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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