i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
