Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
