I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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