im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
