I will die if light touches me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize