so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
