Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
