Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
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