So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
