she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
