Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
