I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
