So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize