Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
