I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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