I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Every concussion has its silver lining
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
