I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I need to stop coming to work sober
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
she pinky promised me she was 18
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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