you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
