I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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