checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
