he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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