the condom got lost in my hair
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
