my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
