OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
