Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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