Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
