Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize