my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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