Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
