also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
