'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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