That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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