I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
