My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
