Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
