she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
